Nothing about the adoption process is fair. 

It’s not fair that adoption often costs over $60,000, more than most families can afford, with little to no governmental aid.

It’s not fair that there are families who match the first time they present while others have to present to expectant mothers hundreds of times.

It’s not fair that adoption agencies financially leverage the desire for a child and profit off of adoptions that fall through.

It’s not fair that couples struggle with infertility for years and then have to go through another excruciating period of waiting to adopt a baby.

Yet perhaps the bit of unfairness we experience as hopeful adoptive parents during the adoption journey will open our eyes to just how unfair it is for the other two parts of the adoption triad: birth families and adoptees.

Sometimes I want to stomp my feet like a child throwing a tantrum and yell, “Not fair!” For the expectant mothers carrying children conceived in rape, for the children uprooted from their families of origin, and for the foster children who will never be adopted.

It’s not fair that expectant mothers are being coerced into an adoption plan with unethical agencies rather than supported in their decision to parent.

It’s not fair that birth mothers are judged by society and left without proper support after making the most selfless, heart wrenching decision of their life. 

It’s not fair that someone else will have to leave the hospital with empty arms while we leave with a baby. 

It’s not fair that one family experiences great loss while ours experiences adoption as a gift. 

If I were to attempt to measure loss, what seems unfair to me as a waiting adoptive parent is nothing compared to the unfairness experienced by the other parts of the adoption triad. Yet my tendency to compare pain simply reveals the areas of my life that I am still trying to be god. To decide right and wrong, fair and unfair, just and unjust is too heavy a job for me. When I focus on fairness I overlook God’s redeeming grace. 

God chose favor over fairness for me so I will willingly submit myself to an unfair system, trusting God’s plan of redemption. 

Instead of crying for justice, I will plead for mercy. Because where there is mercy there is favor and favor trumps fairness every time. 

Adoption is not fair, but God’s favor is all over it.