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I’ll be the first to talk all about the joy of adoption that I have personally experienced. Maybe you know my story. It’s a topic I’ve never shied away from. I’ve always had a heart to testify of the beauty of adoption but for years I’ve left out the hard parts. As an adoption advocate, I know I need to share with full transparency. This requires a level of rawness that I’m not particularly comfortable with despite my belief that honor and honesty can coexist. 

My parents divorced when I was two. My dad had left many times, struggling with mental illness, addiction and infidelity. A marriage and two children was too much for him. I have no memories from these first years of my life. 

I do remember my mom remarrying a wonderful man who adopted me when I was four. He chose to take on all financial responsibility for my older sister and I and gave us his last name. I consider my biological dad’s willingness to release us for adoption a selfless and loving act. We maintained an open relationship with him throughout my childhood and I loved spending occasional holidays and summers with him. 

In my earliest memories I understood the gift of adoption. It was the picture of redemption. God used adoption to take a broken family and make us whole again. Adopting one day myself became my dream at a very young age. 

Growing up I proudly told everyone that I had two dads. I believed that my situation had turned out better than my biological parents remaining married and raising us. 

My heart to testify of God’s redemption through adoption was great, but my denial of the loss that comes with every adoption story was not. 

I was so grateful for the life I had been given that I felt guilty for any negative emotions I had. To run from this guilt, I became skilled at suppressing my emotions at a young age. I buried deep the lie Satan had convinced me of that I was not good enough or worthy of love. 

Instead of running into the arms of Jesus who heals and transforms, I ran to religion and settled for the band-aid of behavior modification. I believed the label of “unworthy sinner” rather than the truth that I am a Beloved daughter who Jesus died to restore. I became a slave to religious duty and striving. I sought approval by following the rules and studying the scriptures. I was caught in the cycle of endlessly trying to do better, work harder and prove myself valuable. 

My bio dad has benefited from counseling and would occasionally check in with my sister and I regarding what he called our “father wound.” Each time I was offended by the suggestion that there was some part of me that was negatively affected by him leaving us. I insisted that I was not hurt or bitter and there was nothing to heal. 

Through the years, my heavenly Father never stopped pursuing me. One day He supernaturally removed the scales from my eyes so I could begin to see Him rightly and in His reflection, see myself rightly: a child made in my Father’s image. This began a journey with the Holy Spirit to detox me from performance. He gently unwound lie after lie that I have believed, and set me free with Truth. 

This was my first encounter with the Spirit of adoption (Romans 8:15), but it was only the beginning. God had a plan to get to the deep roots of abandonment and the orphan spirit that I still carried. 

My ultimate deliverance and healing was unlocked through someone else’s testimony. I believe testimony is prophesying “God do it again!” and is an impartation that can be caught. Tiffanee, a pastor of Tetelestai ministries, shared her story of having an abortion at 15. A teammate’s mom brought her to a Planned Parenthood and did not present her with any other options. The horror of the memory would have haunted her so her subconscious buried the trauma so deep she felt nothing. One day she came before the Lord crying out for breakthrough. She had been dealing with uncontrollable rage and outbursts of anger even while serving in full time ministry. The Holy Spirit reminded her of the abortion and asked her to feel remorse for the life she had taken. She still felt numb until He showed her a friend’s 15 year old daughter she loved dearly on an abortion table and asked, “What if it was her?” Compassion and remorse flooded her and she wept until she had no more tears. God met her and healed her of the trauma of abortion and she was delivered of rage and outbursts of anger. 

After hearing Tiffanee’s story, The Lord told me that it was time to deal with my father wound and the root of abandonment. Once again I thought to myself, “What father wound?” I truly felt nothing. Then the Holy Spirit brought to mind my husband leaving my daughter who was two at the time. Emotions flooded me immediately and I wept. Anger, betrayal, hurt, guilt and shame hit me like waves. I could imagine how devastated my daughter would be. How she would ask about him all the time. How she would blame herself no matter what assurance I gave her that it wasn’t her fault. I knew this is how I must have felt and I wept not out of self pity, but surrender. For the first time, I acknowledged the loss that is part of every adoption story. 28 years later, I finally let myself grieve the loss of not having my biological dad raise me.

Once I acknowledged the reality of my story, it was time to forgive my dad again. In so doing God freed me from the orphan spirit, abandonment and rejection. This time when I encountered the Spirit of adoption, I gained a new confidence to boldly approach Father God trusting completely in His goodness. 

One of the biggest things that came out of this encounter was an ability to accept my emotions and extend grace to myself. Before, I was so hard on myself. Anytime I experienced negative emotions I would spiral into guilt and shame. “Get it together Mary,” and “What’s wrong with you?” Were common thoughts that tormented me. I was unhealthily obsessed with self improvement and striving to fix myself which led to pride when I felt I was doing good, and deep defeat when I felt I was not. I was caught in a cycle of condemnation and self criticism. Because I was judgemental of myself, I was also judgemental of others. Healing in this area freed me to be compassionate and curious towards myself and those I love. This was truly life changing!

Because I was unable to validate my own emotions it was incredibly hard for me to validate my children’s emotions. This kept me from being the grace-filled, gentle and respectful parent I so desired to be. Perhaps the most significant transformation that came from this encounter has come in the area of parenting. 

Now in the middle of the adoption process ourselves, I fully recognize that all adoption comes from loss. Without letting the Holy Spirit walk me through my own personal healing I would not be equipped to help our future adopted children through theirs. When the trauma of separation from birth parents at any age is acknowledged, adoption can be incredibly healing and all sides of the adoption triad can be cared for. 

I believe adoption is a divine plan of redemption. It is one big paradox, full of sorrow and joy, loss and connection. I can testify that God chose to weave adoption throughout my story to reveal His glory just as much in the valleys as on the mountain tops.